I followed the “correct” path– dating around to find a suitable husband and eventually getting married. My ever-present attraction to women, however, continued to grow and “eat” at me despite my best attempts to ignore it.

Along with an attraction to women, I felt a growing curiosity towards the lesbian lifestyle in general. Too ashamed to do any research myself, I asked my husband to buy me issues of the lesbian magazines under the guise that I was really only interested in the music reviews (Ha!) and I didn’t want to be seen buying the magazine for fear someone might actually think I was lesbian (gasp!). I gave equally lame excuses to explain my interest in watching “The L word”, buying tickets to every Indigo Girls concert in a 3-state area ( to be in the midst of all those lovely ladies? Heaven!) and even when sending away for  info on Michfest (what?! I might like to learn to camp….with 3,000 naked women). Yet, even with all those glaring red flags, I tried to convince myself that it was nothing more than natural curiosity. And I did a fairly good job until I met Penny (yes, Dr. Penny of the Ask Annabelle section!)

Long story short (ish), meeting Penny literally changed my life. In what seemed like seconds, I instantly knew *this* was where I was meant to be in life and *she* was the one with whom I was meant to travel. It wasn’t a perfectly smooth road to get where we are (as a couple), and as a result, my relationship with my ultra-religious parents is quite strained, but to be honest, it was headed that way long before Penny came into the picture. Overall, I would have to say “coming-out” was much easier than I ever anticipated. All the people I considered “true-blue” in my life continued to be and virtually all of my friends and other family have welcomed Penny with open arms. Likewise, I gained an unbelievably loving and amazing family with Penny’s parents and relatives. Additionally, we have built an entire community of friends that have been extraordinarily supportive of both of us.  I am so truly blessed and overflowing with gratitude for all the love and blessings Penny being in my life has brought me. And as we embark on the journey to parenthood, I can’t imagine having anyone else by my side.

I would have never, in a million years, predicted my life would turn out this way, but that’s been half the fun, watching my “Happily Ever After” unfold right in front of my very eyes.

My question really has nothing to do with sexuality or a romantic relationship, but I have asked lots of people on what I should do, even professionals and everyone tells me that she needs to figure it out on her own or go to counseling (which she is already in). So I guess my question has to do more with being a friend!

My close friend has been raped, not only once, but twice. She is sad, depressed and emotional, as she should be in this situation. Though I wasn’t with her when she was assaulted she had the courage to tell me, but now I don’t know how to react or feel or even know what to say to her. She has heard it all before, “it gets better with time”, “don’t think about it”, “get over it”. Even her parents aren’t supportive and tell her “to get over it” and “it happens all the time” and “she isn’t the first”, which makes me angry that they say these things because now she blames herself. I know it isn’t her fault and I tell her that, but she doesn’t believe me. I try to stay optimistic for her because she isn’t even close to being optimistic for herself. She is already hurting herself mentally, and I’m scared she might physically hurt herself, she has even made the comment that she “doesn’t understand why she is alive,” which gives me the chills and makes me want cry, and I get angry with myself because I don’t know how to help her. I know that letting her know that I’m here for her is good, but I don’t know how to help her beyond that. She is an amazing friend and I feel useless and pathetic that I can’t be a good friend and help her. So, I guess my question boils down to what should I do to help her, if there is anything?

Loves&Hugs

K

P.S. Thank you!

Penny’s Response:

Dear K,

My primary word to you would be “counseling.” Any victim of a violent crime continues to suffer even after the assault. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other anxiety disorders and depression are very common. More importantly, the psychological, emotional, and spiritual damage continues for months and years after. There is no timeline for grief and pain. Please help your friend understand that there is no handbook to recovery; everyone does it in her/his own way. The most important thing is to have her begin therapy or counseling with a highly trained therapist. Having a safe place with a caring profession to discuss one’s fears, depression and anxiety and having someone to guide your friend in her healing process and next phase of her life is imperative. A qualified professional, especially one trained to work with victims of sexual violence, will benefit your friend immeasurably.

Also, there are many support groups for victims as well, and listening to other people tell their stories can be extremely healing. I would encourage you to assist your friend in finding both a well qualified, caring therapist and a well-established support group.

Additionally, if you think that she is in immediate danger of harming herself, please let her know that you will be contacting a professional for assistance. Suicidal thoughts, ideations or gestures should always be taken seriously. Don’t hesitate to call a hotline and the police if she is stating that she is suicidal.

Lastly, continue to be a good, supportive friend. She needs lots of gentle nurturing and understanding. With that said, however, remember that you cannot be the solitary solution to her pain. She absolutely needs professional help. All of the things that your friend is experiencing is normal for someone who has experienced such a traumatic experience, but again, an objective, nurturing therapist will provide the insight and healing wisdom she will continue to need. Other professionals that she might respect may also be included in the healing process.

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. It is such a difficult place for you to be, and I wish both of you all of the healing power you will need to move forward in your lives!

Erin’s Response:

Dear K,

You are a very brave, and tender friend, and you are asking the right questions. Being a friend, and caring deeply about someone isn’t always easy. There are situations in life where you are called upon to be there as a support in an area that seems to have no answers. In our male thinking world it can be very hard to face not having the answer. How can we as a culture learn to support when there are no solutions to offer? When we are given a problem that seems to have no solution our impulse is come up with one anyway, even if it doesn’t fit the problem. I believe that there are some “problems” or better yet, some life situations that don’t have a clear answer. I believe if we can stop looking for a solution for these life situations we might find the silver lining, a sliver of peace at the end of the road.

Unfortunately, there is no clear-cut, plug and play answer to you question, although there are great tools you can use. I agree with everything Penny offered in ways of support. You mentioned that your friend is already in therapy, is she working with someone who she respects and feels safe with? If not, you could encourage her to seek a better-suited person for her.

I would also encourage you to look at what fears are being triggered in you through this event that you could learn and grow from. I believe that by better understanding how her assault is making you feel, you will better be able to be present with her and supportive to her through this process. You might consider working with a coach or therapist through this as well; it can be a heave load to carry another’s pain. Like Penny said, suicidal thoughts, ideations or gestures should always be taken seriously. If that is something you are faced with, having your own support group in place is hugely important. So often we caregivers forget to care for ourselves. I know from experience, if we stop caring for ourselves for too long we stop being able to care for others.

As Penny said there is no timeline for grief and pain. I have found in my life that old wounds will come up years after their infliction and I will have to move through my pain and fear with a new person, in a new way, all over again. I don’t know that I have ever “gotten over” anything that has happened to me, rather I have moved through different emotions, needs, and feelings around the situation. Life is like the ocean, waves keep coming in, sometimes they are soft and lapping at the shore, and sometimes they come crashing down with great strength and force. As a friend be aware of her waves and know that throughout your life they will continue to crash every once in a while.  If you can love her through that, and hold the space for her crashing, still caring for yourself and your needs, I believe you have succeeded as a friend.

My love and compassion to both of you on the journey,

Erin

“-I wanna meet the one person I can spend the REST OF MY LIFE with.

-The one I will INVOLENTARILY THINK ABOUT during the day.

-The one who is ON MY MIND even when they shouldn’t be, like when working.

-The one I will one day MARRY.

-The one who will LOVE me for me, NO MATTER WHAT.

-The one who will ALWAYS be there, and NEVER abandon me.

-That’s who I wanna meet.”
Justin Nozuka – after tonight

Hi there, I was just wondering if you could offer up some advice about getting over an ex? Me and my ex Jess were together for over a year, the most fantastic year of my life actually. Except for a few things , I came out to everyone. My friends were all cool about it my family however, not so much. Then just as I thought everything was getting back to normal, jess left me for this other girl whom she “loves”. I loved jess with all my heart and this just broke me all up inside. Any advice to get over my first and only love?
thanks,
Melissa

Penny’s Response:

Dear Melissa,
There is no quick fix to a broken heart. Believe me, I wish there was! Despite the fact that this sounds so corny I almost don’t want to write it, I feel that I have to—time, time, time. It takes time and healing to get over a broken heart, especially one when your entire life changed. Continuing to live your life to the fullest will also move you forward in your healing process. Be with friends, do the activities that you love doing, and when you feel you are ready, date again. It’s funny, but often we meet the love of our life when we least expect it! You might always remember Jess for showing you what love can be, but you can’t make someone love you when she just doesn’t. Pining away for the “one that got away” will not move you forward to a full and happy life. Give Jess the props she deserves for giving you “the most fantastic year of [your] life” and then begin the process of putting yourself on the healing track. A website you might want to check out is www.healingmybrokenheart.com. Good luck to you!

Erin’s Response:

Dear Melissa,

Breakups are hard, especially if you are on the side of not wanting the relationship to end, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a recipe that would ease the pain and make the whole process go away, but I don’t believe there is one. I believe that grieving is healthy and important in moving on. Be gentle with yourself through this process.

There is something special about your first love…. not that this makes it any easier, but I believe almost everyone, if not everyone, has a story about the loss of their first love. Loosing your first love in my eyes is almost a right of passage that we all go through. Penny said, “you might always remember Jess for showing you what love can be,” thats really amazing and something you could be grateful for. I know I will always be grateful to my first love for showing me that.

I do NOT agree with the saying, “the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else” I find doing doing so you robs your of the experience of grief, as well as make the relationship you are grieving about smaller in some way.  I do however, found it helpful to have positive “distractions” to help you through. I told the story of the red signs all over my apartment in my blog: How to change your day your day around for the better.

On an ending note, I watched a film called Griefwalker a few weeks ago. The film follows a spiritual teacher Stephen Jenkinson on his path in working with the dying. In the film Stephen says something along the lines of: ‘in order to truly love any relationship, you must love the end of the relationship.’ (All relationships end, wither it’s a few months into the relationship, a couple years, or a life time.) ‘All relationships end so if you truly love the relationship you must come to love the manner in which it ends.’ I know I am not yet at this point yet, but the idea gave me great comfort.

Love on your journey,

Erin

Story from Christina
My very first memory of being attracted to another female was when I was 6. She sat next to me in my first grade class. She was a big eyed, cute little brunette. And, I, for the life of me, could not figure out why I was so hell bent on being her friend. I remember, rather vividly, finally having the courage to ask her for her number. I wrote her a note and left in on her desk. When she read it, she looked at me and gave it right back! On that day I learned two things about myself: (1) there is something a little different about me than all the other girls and (2) I do not take rejection well at all. My poor little heart was crushed.


Most of the rest of school until I graduated from high school, I was more concerned with being involved with whatever instrument or activity I had going on or whatever sport I was into at the time. Dating didn’t seem to come up at all. Sure there was a guy here and there, for things like Homecoming and Prom. Random make out sessions with this guy or that guy just because I thought it was the thing to do. But, for the most part, I just was not that interested in any of it…guy or girl. 



Then, I went to college. College, in the college dorms to be precise, is where I met Shannon. Shannon had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. To make a long story short, as soon as our hands touched the proverbial sparks erupted, the world and everyone in it disappeared and we fell in love. I would say and the rest is just history but that would imply some sort of happy ending. When, in actuality, the whole one year ordeal left me confused and 100 times more heart broken than when I was in the first grade. In hindsight, we were not in love, but rather, each others addiction. I use the word addiction and attach every negative connotation associated with it. And like overcoming most addictions, it was a long and painful withdrawal. 

That first year marked the first big milestone of my coming out. And that was the easy part. I do not remember all the details surrounding the debauchery of my coming out to my family and friends, but I do remember that I was 21 years old, I was stubborn as hell and I drank A LOT. I remember one very specific moment when I came out to my best friend. He did not say much that afternoon, but what he did say stuck with me. He said, “Well, you either get over this little phase you’re in or you need not speak to me again.” It was another 2 years before he attempted to contact me again. I later found out that he called my parents (the same day I came out to him) in attempt to “tip them off” about my “current situation”. This, unexpectedly, hurled me into telling my parents before I was ready. I was raised in a strict, Asian, Roman Catholic family. Using the phrase, “we fought”, would be the understatement of the century. But, indeed, we fought and I ended up living out of my car, drinking my pay checks away and on occasion stealing a loaf of bread or two from the grocery store. So much of that time is a blur. I did not even tell any of my friends that I did not have a place to stay. Incredible to me now, this went on for several months. Eventually, one of them figured it out and offered me her spare bedroom in her apartment.

I don’t want to sit here and tell you how hard it was on me and how painful it was trying to reestablish my relationship with my folks. Based on what you have read, I’m sure you can imagine that, ok yeah, it really sucked. What I would hope anyone reading this would take away from my story is that I’m here to tell the story. It took a little time, but my parents and I have a fabulous relationship now. I recently moved back in with them so I can go back to school. That despite their beliefs, my parents turned around, looked at me in the eyes and told me they love me no matter what. They are proud of me as a person, and most proud to be my parents. We did not speak for about a year after that initial fight. For a long time I was angry because they, seemingly, rejected their own flesh and blood. Looking back now, however, I realize that the same things that I wanted from my parents are the very same things that I neglected them; patience, understanding and acceptance. After the hurricane of emotion, shock and confusion, the calm set in and paved the way to acceptance and forgiveness for both my parents and myself.

My story is not one of a typical love story. Yes, I have regained the love that I thought I had lost from my family and friends but it cost me years of anger, resentment and many, many mistakes because I had no guidance. I looked for refuge at the bottom of a bottle instead of a friend or support group. I’m 29 years old and I’m just now beginning to feel like my life is finally back on the right track. I went through this part of my life nearly blind. There were places for me to turn to, but I had no idea they existed and I had no one to tell me about them. Today there are so many resources to utilize and the word is out. You are never alone. There is always someone to listen. It’s important for you to know that you are not alone, ever. You just have to put yourself out there and you will be amazed the number of people out there looking for friendship and companionship just like you.

“Giving of yourself, learning to be tolerant, giving recognition and approval to others, remaining flexible enough to mature and learn – yields happiness, harmony, contentment and productivity. These are the qualities of a rich life, the bounteous harvest of getting along with people.” – Jack C Yewell

I attended Catholic Schools growing up and accompanied my family to Church on a weekly basis. I have a true and deep connection with my faith and hold it very close to my heart. Upon graduating High School, I moved to a different city and set out on my own. I continued to attend mass regularly and found peace and joy with what at that time, was a very traditional life. However, in my early 20′s shockingly enough, I found myself attracted to a woman, and I simply followed my heart. By doing so, I immediately felt like a hypocrite, with respect to my religion, and subsequently ceased going to mass due to this terrible guilt. The mutually agreed closeted relationship lasted in excess of 10 fabulous years of which I never once visited Church. When the relationship ended, I immediately went back to Church and sought forgiveness and asked for acceptance ‘from above’. Not long after I resumed attendance, once again, I found myself in a wonderful relationship with another woman. The trend continued in that I immediately felt guilty and physically stopped going to Church. I tried to make sense of this trend and why things were happening they way they were, but to no avail. I noticed, in Loving Annabelle, the sermons selected had a theme (to assist Simone and her challenges) and my interpretation of the selections was that the Catholic Church accepts anybody and everybody, “no-one shall be left unaided”. Obviously, I found the sermons very interesting and intriguing. I continue to struggle, terribly, and carry such a burden of guilt in that I am letting my religion down – being with a woman. Unfortunately, I have not been able to garner enough courage to revisit Church/confession and speak directly to the priest to ask if the Church will accept that I am in a same sex relationship. I am also terrified of what the answer could be…

I was wondering if you are Catholic, and if so, do you know if the Catholic religion has evolved into accepting homo-sexuality?

I MUST find peace and acceptance with my spirituality as it is a priority in my life. I completely accept who I am as a person and am open to whichever sex I am attracted to, at that given time. I feel that once I know I’m accepted by God, then I can and will proceed in life and grow as a person, and as a result to be proud to tell my loved ones who I am and who I love. I am now 44 years old and my struggle with guilt has won and MUST change that. Can you possibly shed any light my way?

PS-during my journey I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I attacked it with complete and utter determination. My aggressive and stubborn personality, in combination with, a very positive attitude persevered. I am VERY proud to say I am a Cancer Survivor and have been Cancer free for 10 years! I totally feel, and am convinced that
the “location” of my Cancer speaks volumes (pun intended). We, as humans, will undoubtedly get dis-ease in certain and very particular areas of our body and for specific reasons. My Cancer was in the Thyroid, my vocal area….I did not SPEAK out as to who I am, and was therefore faced with consequences (Cancer). To be in the closet is wrong and I MUST do something about that. Overall, it is up to us, as individuals, to figure out what our body is trying to tell us, to honor that, and make the necessary changes.

Penny’s response:

Dear Friend,
First of all, congratulations on beating your cancer! Your courage and fight is certainly an inspiration to others! Now, let’s get down to business…the Christian faith is a mixed bag of acceptance and rejection of gay and lesbian people across the board. The Catholic Church has definitely come out against the acceptance of gay and lesbian people as part of its faith community. They believe that the gay and lesbian lifestyle is in conflict with Christian teachings, and therefore, the church does not believe that they should condone these lifestyles. That said, as with most Christian denominations, there are groups within these denominations that believe differently. The Catholic Church has a group called DignityUSA. Their mission statement says, “DignityUSA works for respect and justice for people of all sexual orientations, genders, and gender identities—especially gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender persons—in the Catholic Church and the world through education, advocacy, and support.” This group continues to grow in support from Catholics, and I would urge you to check out their website and information. They can be found online at www.dignityusa.org. They can provide you with information concerning reconciling your personal faith and desire to be a part of the Catholic Church and your sexual orientation.

Remember, your spirituality doesn’t depend on your adherence to any particular denomination. Spirituality relies on your personal relationship with your higher power. There are plenty of ways to develop your spirituality, developing a closer relationship with your higher power. Prayer, meditation, compassionate works, personal rituals—these all have power to nurture your spiritual self. Your walk with your own spirituality should not have to be separated from whom you love; actually, it truly cannot be. If you cannot find that within a denomination like the Catholic Church, find it within a community of faith that does love and accept you just the way you are!

Erin’s Response:

Dear Canada,
I have sat a long time with this letter wanting to do you honor in my response. I can hear pain in your letter as well as determination around needing to not be in the closet with either your spirituality or your sexuality. Both of these parts carry so much weight in who you are as an individual. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you over the years to walk into these aspects at different times with only half of yourself allowed to be present. I have been learning in my own life recently that things are not ever so black and white. You actually don’t have to choose one or the other.

The image I just got was of you struggling to be in a relationship with yourself. Picture yourself as two separate people for a moment, the Catholic side of you is one individual in the relationship, and the part of you who finds yourself in relationships with women is the other part. Looking at this relationship from the outside, “normal society” (whatever that is), would say, that isn’t going to work! There is no way that can work! The question then becomes, if these two are going to try and make it work, “who has to change?” That is what we are taught isn’t it? If there is conflict, one party has to change. If you are in a relationship that so clearly isn’t working, someone has to change, or the relationship will break.

When a couple goes into therapy there is usually one who is excited and one who is scared, the person who is excited hopes that the therapist is going to side with them and say that the other person is wrong, and needs to shape up. The person who is afraid to go, thinks the therapist might say they themselves are wrong, and that they need to change and need shape up. Why does there always have to be a good guy and a bad guy? We have all heard the saying, “it takes two to tango”. But we still point the finger and say… “Its the other sides fault!”

My new belief around this question of who has to change… is neither… and both. Each person is perfect they way they are and could be recognized as such from the other person. At the same time we all have areas of life and of ourselves that can learn and grow and blossom… and in a sense, change.

Coming back to the relationship you are struggling to have with yourself; who needs to change? Which half needs to be let go of? It seems that the answer to that changes depending on which part you are closer to at the time. What if you decided that neither had to change, as well as both. Having a deep sense of spirituality that you resonate at such a deep part of your soul is a beautiful thing and needs to be valued and cultivated. Penny gave you a great resource for a church who work with “respect and justice for people of all sexual orientations, genders, and gender identities.” Your sexuality is also such a deep part of your soul that is just as beautiful and has equal need to be valued and cultivated. How can you find piece in connecting these two parts of yourself? A question I ask myself often when faced with inner conflict is, what would I tell my daughter? Often we are much more open, forgiving, and supportive of others then we are for ourselves. If you can, talk to yourself the way you would to a daughter coming to you with this difficulty.

I don’t know if this will resonate with you or not, but in reading your letter I also feel that you might benefit hugely from doing grief work. It sounds like this battle has been raging in you for several years. At any given time there was an aspect of you that was not being allowed to shine. Sometimes it was your spirituality and sometimes it you’re your sexuality. Each of those parts of you might have huge sorrow around being “kept in closet”. Giving yourself a platform to feel grief is more valuable then our culture gives credit for. There are a couple resources for this, check out Center for Grief Recovery

Wouldn’t it be awesome if we created a world where people didn’t have these fears? Didn’t feel that they had to choose one aspect of themselves and leave the other pieces of sprit behind? Be the example. Show the world that organized religion can embrace sexuality. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

PS- Congratulations on beating cancer! My heart goes out to you!! And…I totally agree with you that the “location” of your Cancer speaks volumes (pun intended).

John 14:11:12 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Love and gratitude,
Erin

As stupid as it seems, I am writing to a homepage about my inner most secrets.  I am at home alone as my husband has decided to go and meet his sister whom I do not get along with.  Earlier I made myself up to have a meal with him, but it seems I cannot try hard enough.  Before I met my husband I was in a relationship with a female whom I adored.  Due to my parents fucking hating this, I buried myself into work, thinking this was wrong.  I bumped into her the other day, and discovered feelings that I had then were still there.  I know she has these feelings too.  We have talked about this and I can’t get her off my mind.  I have been attracted to other females but have never acted on it. I am so sorry to get you involved but I will go crazy if I don’t discuss this with somebody.  Should I act on this as I feel the need to have some passion in my life or leave well alone.  I don’t know if you have had experienced in this, but it feels good to talk.  That’s all I need is to talk. Thank you for listening

. xxx

Penny’s Response:

Dear Friend,

Life has many twists and turns, doesn’t it? Just about the time we believe we know exactly how our life will be, it takes a sometimes painful, but beautiful turn. It sounds to me that you might be on one of those unexpected twists! It’s difficult for me to get a read on what lead up to your current marriage or whether you are in love with your husband, but it seems to me that you are certain that you have feelings for the woman in which you were in a prior relationship. Again, I don’t know why your relationship ended at an early time, but it sounds like you never stop having feelings for her. My advice to you is to examine your emotions both for your husband and your prior girlfriend. Are you denying your sexuality? Is your heart and soul unable to fulfill your marriage? Desiring passion, while important, should never be the guiding factor in leaving a marriage or getting into a new relationship. Relationships cannot be sustained by passion alone, but by a combination of factors, such as love, trust, respect, attraction, kindness, a mutual desire for happiness, etc. Examining all of these factors, including passion, will help you to make a well-thought-out decision for the course of your life and relationships.

Erin’s Response:

Dear xxx,

I hear in your letter that you are frustrated due to your need for passion not being met. My heart empathizes with you on that need.  I also hear your hurt around not being acknowledged or recognized for your efforts to dress up for your husband.  It can be saddening when another person doesn’t see your work.  I understand that it could feel stupid writing to some website for someone you don’t know to read your letter, but I thank you for your bravery in sending it anyway. For one, it always helps to write out what you are worried about or working through. Whether you come to answers right away or not, your subconscious immediately starts working out the issue. And second, by sending in your letter and being willing to share it online you are helping many more women who might be going through a similar thing.

As Penny said, it is hard to gage by your letter where your relationship with your husband came from. Have you always felt this way about him? Or is this a rough patch that just doesn’t seem to be getting better as fast as you would like it to? If you have always felt this way, I encourage you to examine that and as Penny said, ask yourself if you are denying your sexuality? If this is a rough patch, I hope you find some comfort in knowing that all couples go through some form of dis-ease with each other. I know when you get to that point in a relationship it can really be hard to know if this is the one you should fight for or if this is the one you should let go. When a couple gets here it is often the woman feeling hurt, discouraged, hopeless, and lonely, and the man feeling angry, frustrated, exhausted and scared. You are probably not the only one who is frustrated by where the relationship is. It is important to be able to take a step back from those feelings and recognize in yourself what those feelings are telling you about your needs. Once you are able to recognize your needs, try and decipher the need your partner is having and see if you can meet and/or at least vocalize both. Have the two of you talked about your need for passion? He might be just as hungry for it as you are but because of where the relationship is at, he has been unable to voice his needs. When he doesn’t notice when you dress up you might want to try saying something like, “I am feeling really fragile right now and am looking for some reassurance that I look pretty.”

Obviously there are still some feelings you need to work out not only around your husband, but also around this woman. I know that when your needs are not being met in one place, the grass always looks greener. The things that were good in your past suddenly start to look really good, and familiar, and safe.

You asked if you should act on this feeling or leave it well alone… I say neither, yet. Never leave the need for passion alone, however as Penny said, passion alone, while important, should never be the guiding factor in leaving a marriage or getting into a new relationship. Examine what it is you truly desire. Again, like Penny asked, are you denying your sexuality? Or, are you denying your need for passion with your husband? Either way, own your needs, express them to your husband, work out your marriage or decide to end it, be true to yourself and your desires, be truthful to those around you, and then go after your passion.

Love and luck,

Erin

Dear Annabelle,

It seems bizarre to be asking questions seeing as how I’m 25 and shouldn’t care, and should already know my life. I am at a loss though! I have been pretty curious about my sexuality for probably about 10 years. I have never been in a relationship or anything with another woman, but I have been with my share of guys. Every time there’s something missing and even though I think about woman I always have fears. My dad was a Baptist preacher and for those who don’t know that’s not easy or at least it wasn’t for me. And I have 14 brothers and sisters who talk negatively about being gay all the time. I have a 2 year old son that I don’t want affected with my situation. And I am having trouble trying to decide if this is a phase, but I don’t exactly know where to go or how to attract a women. I’m very shy when it comes to my personal life. I tried the internet and I run into webcam girls, which I am definitely not looking for. I want a relationship. My problem is: one, like I said, meeting someone, and two, I am not ready to share with my family until I know and am comfortable with it, but then, is that being ashamed? I’m just really confused and would appreciate any advice you can give me.

Thanks C

Penny’s Advice:

Dear C,

Your situation is not uncommon by any means, but it certainly can be personally overwhelming. It is difficult to own our sexual identity when there are so many external factors impacting it. Let’s take each one of your factors apart.

First, you have been greatly influenced by your upbringing. Being raised in a very conservative, rigid religion that interprets the Bible literally and that condemns homosexuality is a “closet” for sure! It is easy to doubt and self-loathe when your religion condemns who you feel you truly are. It’s important to separate your sexuality from your faith of origin. Feeling rejected by your family is one thing, but to be rejected by God is a totally different thing. There are plenty of Christian churches, as well as other faith communities, who do not hold the view that gay and lesbian people are not loved and accepted by God. The United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Church are just two open and accepting Christian churches. Check out gaychurch.org for a complete listing of accepting faith communities. These communities may help you navigate your family’s religious landscape, and they will definitely give you a different perspective on how to mesh your sexual orientation with your faith.

Next, you are in a minority position with a family of 14, all of whom speak against who you believe yourself to be. This can be very overwhelming, and help to keep you mute and closeted. Contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG.org) and they will have some outstanding information about coping with rejecting or slow-to-accept family dynamics. Do you have one or more siblings that may be more open to your sexual orientation than others? Test the waters, and see if there is one or more who may love you and support you no matter what.

Another factor is your two-year-old son. Coming out and having children from heterosexual relationships can be messy, especially if the other parent is involved and would not be supportive or would possibly “use” sexual orientation against the other in custody arrangements. If the other parent might make your sexual orientation an issue, seek legal counsel through Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund at lambdalegal.org. They might be able to steer you in the right direction. If legal issues are not a problem, your two-year-old son will adjust to your lesbian life. He will be a much happier boy if you are a happier mom. According to the current research, children raised by gay and lesbian parents have not had any more problems than children raised in heterosexual homes. The most important elements for raising healthy children are the mental and emotional health of the parents and the safety of their home and school schedules and environment.

Lastly, in this day and age of computer dating, it’s important to be intentional and careful with whom you meet and what you want. It’s absolutely ok to take your time and really look for the right person. Use a respectable lesbian dating service, and be honest about what you are looking for. Check out girldates.com for further advice.

Coming out is a deeply personal and intimate issue, and personal safety is paramount. However, we often cling to the possibility of worse-case scenarios, which keep us from ever being who we really are in the world. Don’t let your fears keep you from personal happiness, C. Life is too short!

Erin’s Advice:

Dear C.

At the end of your letter you said “I’m just really confused”. Having uncertainty about who you are in this world, especially in an environment that puts demands on who you should be, must be confusing. Well congratulations!! Jump up and down, and shout for joy. In life, what always comes right before you learn something, or have a breakthrough, or grow? You get confused. Celebrate that, you are about to have a breakthrough.  Whether your breakthrough is coming out as a lesbian, or discovering that there are people in your life who will love you no matter who you are, or deciding in yourself that you will love and accept yourself no matter who you are, whether its finding out that you are bi or straight or whatever it is going to be, celebrate, because its coming.

Thank you C for your courage in sending this letter, I know how hard it can be to admit and ask for help. I am only a few years older then you, but I still have situations that I couldn’t come through or figure out without asking for a bit of guidance. I just heard an interesting fact: when women talk with each other about their struggles, their brains actually secrete the same hormone that is secreted when a woman breast feeds, which makes you feel really good. Basically, we are designed to talk about our difficulties.

Penny had some great suggestions and resources for you to pull on, I encourage you to look into those and I will offer one more; your heart. Scientists have discovered that there is neurological tissue in the heart, which means that your heart can think and give you answers. Spend a few minutes each day breathing in and out of your heart, (you do this simply by imagining your heart to be your lungs) when you feel connected to your heart ask you heart for answers. They may not come the first time you ask, but the more you check in with the heart the louder the heart will get. Connect with your heart and think about your sexuality. Connect with your heart and think about your family and like Penny asked, is there someone in your family who might be more open to your sexuality? Connect with your heart and think about your son, ask what he will feel about you with regard to your sexuality, my guess is he will love you regardless, and like Penny said, a happy mom = a happy child. Connect with your heart and think about being with a woman. In both acting and Chinese medicine it is said that wherever there is fear is where you must go.

Good luck on your journey. I’m not sure why, but this Irish blessing just came to mind for you: “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

Love and gratitude,

Erin