From P
I’m glad you have this available. I’m 40 and soon to be 41 and live in Texas.
I have a problem. I was abuse from when I was in 4th grade up to my senior year. The abuse was because I am hard of hearing. When I didn’t hear something that I should have I get abuse verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Now, I’ve had 2 boyfriends through out my school days. Since the abuse I decided to change my life around and date women. I loved it and my last relationship pretty much ended up being abuse again except the physically part. I’ve had help to get out of that relationship as I was scared of her. I’ve moved on and had a child since then.
Well, my problem is that I’ve never married and I have not had a relationship since with a man or woman. I want to know why or what is wrong with me. Also, I’m not gay nor I’m straight. I am bi but I really want a man and get married someday.
Men in person don’t talk to me and the online men just want sex and that’s it. Well, I want something more as life is more than just sex. I think sex should wait till you really know one another.
So, what is wrong with me?
Liesel’s Advice:
It appears that you experienced a rough and abusive childhood, which was inflated by your hearing disability. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for children with disabilities to be falsely labeled as being “difficult,” “slow,” and “behaviorally challenged.” I imagine being punished as a result of your hearing impairment was very difficult and confusing for you, as well as damaging to your self-esteem. Your earlier experiences were likely harmful to your self-worth, and appear to be influencing how you value yourself today. Based on your letter, I get the impression that you often blame yourself for bad circumstances in your life. Please know that being a victim of violence is never acceptable or your fault, and that there is nothing “wrong” with being an uncoupled person.
In regards to your dating concerns, I think it is important that you set personal boundaries – if you feel that getting to know someone is imperative before sex, than I think that should be respected. The right person for you will understand and honor that. As you continue looking for the perfect partner, however, be conscious of the fact that there is usually a pattern associated with domestic violence. Although I cannot be certain, I suspect that your history with abusive relationships, as well as your hearing impairment, which contributes to personal feelings of isolation and loneliness, may leave you more susceptible to abusive dynamics. For your safety, as well as your child’s, it is necessary that you break this cycle. The number one predictor of future behavior is past behavior; avoid relationships with men and women that you know have a history of violence. In addition, be cautious of patterns that may signal abusive behavior. Warning signs include jealousy, aggressive and controlling behaviors, isolation, blaming, and unrealistic expectations and demands. In addition, it is important to understand that, although you may feel that being in a relationship with another woman is safer, domestic abuse does not discriminate based on sexual orientation. In fact, domestic abuse occurs as frequently in gay and lesbian relationships as it does in straight relationships.
Increasing your self-esteem will help you maintain the boundaries you set, and will hopefully lead you to healthier more satisfying relationships. Counseling may help you achieve this by allowing you to explore your personal feelings and make sense of your past experiences. You are a mother now, so the choices you make, and the behaviors you model, will influence and shape the person your child ultimately becomes. Good Luck!
For more information on domestic violence, please visit: www.domesticviolence.org
Erin’s Advice:
Dear P,
Thank you for your brave letter. Being able to ask for help already puts you leaps and bounds ahead in your recovery.
As Liesel said, for your safety and the safety of your child, it is necessary for you to break the cycle of abuse. It sounds like you are already well on the road to breaking those patterns with the fact that you already got help in getting out of the relationship you had with the one woman and to the fact that you are writing us here.
I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I wanted to share this story. I have had the privilege of working with a healer for the last few months and just last week we talked about cycles of abuse. She told me that she has worked with women as well as their children, and more then once, the daughter will tell her an almost identical abuse story as the one her mother told months before, even though the two had never shared it with each other. She has also worked with women who have lived through abuse and urged them to speak with their parents about it, only to find out that one or both of the parents had gone through a similar, if not exact circumstance. Everything you clear or work through, any patterns that you break, I truly believe will clear that pattern for your child. Whenever my mom is going through something hard she says, “Erin, Im working this out for you so you don’t have to carry it with you and pass it onto your kids”. Im not saying this to add to your burden, but to help give you strength and leverage. It’s easier to do things for your children sometimes then to do them for yourself.
You wrote, “whats wrong with me?” Nothing my sweet. I admire you so much for the fact that you are not interested in sex without love. I admire you for not settling, for reaching out for advice, for not giving up or giving in. At 40 you are taking massive brave steps in changing a cycle you may have been caught up in and that is tremendously brave. I just thought of a quote by one of my favorite poets:
“I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, the live everything live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Be patient with yourself. My mom also taught me something once that changed my life. There was a time I was going through something very difficult and she told me to chant over and over in my head “I choose love, I choose love” even when you are sad or angry. P. please choose love for yourself and for your child. Before you know it, all you will have is love for yourself, your child, and in your future relationships.
Much love,
Erin
P
I had this same problem up until 3 years ago I was with my
boyfriend from the age of 14 up until a year after we had are
son he 2 abused me in anyway possible. I’ve only ever told people who are close to me about this. I was a chubby kid when i was young the names people used to call me it went on until i left school, collage was great meet new people had fun, my first ever boyfriend was great until he started to beat me, he even knocked me out with a frying pan and said to the police he thought i was a robber. i always put the anger in him down to him losing him mother at the age of 16 i was wrong, the name calling came back, but he never hit me since that night with the frying pan, The beatings started after we got a house together my mom n dad thought i was mad because we was only 18 but i was in love i wouldn’t listen. after a year living together the beatings started
i moved back home, the house went up for sale, he always
came running back saying he was sorry so i moved back , he
wanted kids i wasn’t so sure but my friends said it will bring
you both closer together so we did we had a lil boy everything was fine until i started to lose mass weight i went from a size 18 to a size 8 i was happy really happy i started to wear skirts again i went out more. He didn’t like been stuck in house witha kid so again i went back to my normal self didn’t go out unless it was to the park with our son, He lost his job said it was my fault beatings came back. some days he wouldn’t come back on some nights he was cheating on me he new i new and all he would say is if i leave he’d click his fingers and id go running back because no1 would want me. And yes i did i started to drink, take drugs not heroin though, id be in a daze all day i couldn’t look after are son so my mom had him for 6mths of his life. I new i had to sort my self out but for about a year i was doing this to my self, beating after beating, the names calling came back. i couldn’t cope any more i wanted to end it all and i nearly did if it wasn’t 4 my brother coming up to the house with my son that day i would have killed my self. from that day my moms boss rented me his house i started picking my self up again i got my son back i moved on, that only lasted for 2months, i got back with my ex. he had changed he wanted a family he was sorry for everything he had done to me and our son. we went on holiday again everything looked up until i found out he was seeing the same girl he was before so i kicked him out i got a straining order on him, I had 3 relationships from then on but none of them
worked i started to give up. I moved 6 miles away from were i grow up, i had to leave my past behind, and think of my son and my self and what i wanted in life. it took me 3 years to think of that and I’m here now with my son with a wonderful man in my life who treats me right and my son as his own.
P it isn’t easy but it will get easy there is nothing wrong with you like there was nothing wrong with me we just think there is because we have had so much pain from being so young. And yes there is more to life than just sex, there’s your child, family, friends, don’t let anyone ever put you down your only 40 you still have years a head of you and don’t say you don’t your never 2 old to marry at 50, 60 or 70 for that matter just be patience you have the love of your child as i do 2 if it wasn’t for that day when my brother came up with him i wouldn’t be here today. So please learn to love yourself like what Erin said in time you will find that man. my thoughts are with you Hun stay strong for your self and your child.
Em
T
P,
I know what it is like to feel “different” from everyone else. So
you didn’t have many relationships in school? Its not the
amount of relationships you have, its the depth of them.
Being in an abusive relationship and always hard to get out of,
people put you down enough and you start to believe it, after
all, the bad stuff is easier to believe. I can partially understand
what you are going through, i’m still in school myself and i
must admit it isn’t easy or nice in anyway, people are so cruel
when they don’t understand what its like for you, theres been a
lot of rumours and hurtful comments made to me about my
sexuality and so forth, but when times are hard, thats when
you learn who your friends are, they are the ones worth
having. After all “Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter
don’t mind”.
Being yourself is one of the hardest and most admirable things
anyone could ever do, the amount of people who are the
people that everybody else wants them to be is remarkable.
As Erin said, there is nothing wrong with you. It is
understandable that you want a man and to get married, but
rather than looking for love, let love look for you, you’ll be
surprised in the most unusual places it can occur.
Firstly, i’d say to try and be more comfortable in yourself, I
really do realise how hard it is, but if someone starts shouting
abuse at you or any form of abuse, just say to yourself “its
their problem”. They are the ones that are uncomfortable with
you, not you being uncomfortable with you. The only thing
they are hoping to achieve, is making you feel small, which in
turn, makes them feel better about themselves. I wouldn’t say
ignore what they are saying, i’d say use it to make you
stronger, thats what I did and now i’m an International boxingchampion.
There is always a time when we ask ourselves what is wrong
with us, and there is always a time when we feel that enough is
enough, but if you ever reach that stage, the you know that it
can only get better, after all, there is nowhere worse than rockbottom.
first i would like to refer you to the movie enough with jenifer lopez i dont refer you there to bring back memories or anything i just want you to see an example of the strength you can get from all of what happend to you. and i agree about the fact that you dont need to look for love let it come to you. i have found that when you look for someone you tend to lower your standards alot and you find all the wrong people. but if you wait and not look they will come find you and they will be everything your looking for in most cases. if you dont stumble in relaotionship how will you know what its like to get back up and brush it off? we all fall but we have the choice to get back up. abuse is a tough thing to go through and its sad how every year more and more cases of abuse arise. when i was just ten years old my uncle hired me for cleaning his house and every day that i did i was to get 5 bucks but instead he would rape me over and over for almost a year i had no idea that it was wrong i grew up without any men in my life no father so i thought that that was what we were suposed to do with all men. and then when i was in school they had a class were a lady officer came in and explained that it was wrong and that if we were going through it then we need to report it and the person would go to jail but he was my uncle i did not want him to go to jail. but then i told him to stop and that if he didnt then i would tell but then he threatned to hurt my lil sister who is mentally handicap so i didnt instead still at the age of 10 i tried to kill my self by running out in front of a car.well when i was put in an istatution for the second time i was forced to watch the story of oprah and they asked all of us if we had a similar story well i came clean and they released me the next day and i spent that whole day at the police station giving my statement and telling them there were pics of me on the internet and the computer and i did not have to testify but he got 15 to life for child pornografy and stagatory rape and mulestaion. sorry about the spelling. and he is still there and im trying to get up the strength now that im 20 years old to go and confront him so that i can fully move on and i believe because of him is the reason i can not find any atraction towards all guys and my family do not understand because they are old fashioned so im forced to keep the love of my life a secret so that the verbal abuse that comes from them dont tear us apart like they have done to other relationships. but we have a plan now and im so happy that she is sticking with me. im moving to tennessee with my family and after her and i save enough money she will move down and live with me and be my “roommate”. and i plan on proposing to her this christmas. so please keep faith you happy ever after is still out there. age is just a number your never to old for love my grandmother is 60 years old and has just found love and she was abused as well and every day he brings her roses and as he says hes making up for all the lost loving moments in her life he says every day he is going to make her feel 100 times happy for every sad day in her past. you are in my prayers and i wish you all the luck and happiness.