Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Welcome to the second Ask Annabelle Posting

I would like to thank all the wonderful people who helped me bring Ask Annabelle to fruition. Below you will find our second letter.

Letter from: Anonymous

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. But last summer I started working at a restaurant. I worked with this beautiful girl who happened to be a lesbian. Almost immediately I became infatuated with her. I love everything about her. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I constantly think of her. She has this aura about her that I can’t resist. I still haven’t confronted her about it. I told my boyfriend everything I felt and I broke up with him because the feelings were so strong. We have gotten back together but I never truly got over her. When we talk occasionally I get butterflies and I can barely breathe. Should I try to let that feeling go and stay with him or should I go after something I’m not sure I can have. I am still very confused because I have never felt this way about anyone.

Liesel’s Advice:

It seems to me that what is making this decision especially confusing for you is that your attraction is towards a woman.  Secondly, you described your feelings as an infatuation; feelings of infatuation are often very different than feelings of like and love, and are usually idealized versions of what the reality would actually be. Having recognized that, however, does not mean that there are not real feelings developing between you and this woman.  Have you been able to identify what is about this woman that you are truly drawn to?  Do you feel that this attraction is sexual? Although you describe this feeling as something you have never felt before, have you ever found yourself drawn to women in the past?  I am not able to tell you how you should handle this situation, but I do encourage you to look closely at the relationship you are currently in with your boyfriend; the fact that you are developing such strong feelings towards another person leads me to believe that there are parts of your current relationship in which you find unsatisfying.  Five-years is a long time with one person, have you taken time to explore what you want in a long-term relationship? Do you feel that you currently have what you need with your boyfriend, or are there other things you need still to explore to know for sure?

Erin’s Advice:

Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for sending your letter.

I can see why this decision is hard for you. Not only are you faltering in a 5 year relationship, but like Liesel said, it seems that much of your confusion is coming from the fact that the object of your affection is a women.

I believe that feelings are the roadmaps we are given to help navigate us though our lives. Without them we would probably be pretty lost. Its learning how to decipher those feelings that can sometimes be hard. And once we decipher them it can be even harder to act on the feeling, especially if they go against everything we have previously equated our identity to in the past. I agree with Liesel when she said the fact that you are developing such strong feelings towards another person could say that there are parts of your current relationship in which you are unsatisfied. I encourage you to look at that. Sometimes when you don’t want to look at what is in front of you it can be quite easy to throw all your focus onto something/someone else. But, this can be tough. Which scenario are you putting focus on to distract you from the scenario you don’t want to face?

A great teacher once taught me, “when you have one option that actually equals no options, if you have two options that equals a dilemma, but when you have three options, now you’re in a place where you can make a decision.”  What could be your third option?

I believe that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you in that moment, and that if you want, you can always change your mind.

That’s the God given beauty of being a women.