Husband not meeting my needs, feeling passion for my ex-girlfriend… should I act or leave it alone?

From xxx

As stupid as it seems, I am writing to a homepage about my inner most secrets.  I am at home alone as my husband has decided to go and meet his sister whom I do not get along with.  Earlier I made myself up to have a meal with him, but it seems I cannot try hard enough.  Before I met my husband I was in a relationship with a female whom I adored.  Due to my parents fucking hating this, I buried myself into work, thinking this was wrong.  I bumped into her the other day, and discovered feelings that I had then were still there.  I know she has these feelings too.  We have talked about this and I can’t get her off my mind.  I have been attracted to other females but have never acted on it. I am so sorry to get you involved but I will go crazy if I don’t discuss this with somebody.  Should I act on this as I feel the need to have some passion in my life or leave well alone.  I don’t know if you have had experienced in this, but it feels good to talk.  That’s all I need is to talk. Thank you for listening

. xxx

Penny’s Response:

Dear Friend,

Life has many twists and turns, doesn’t it? Just about the time we believe we know exactly how our life will be, it takes a sometimes painful, but beautiful turn. It sounds to me that you might be on one of those unexpected twists! It’s difficult for me to get a read on what lead up to your current marriage or whether you are in love with your husband, but it seems to me that you are certain that you have feelings for the woman in which you were in a prior relationship. Again, I don’t know why your relationship ended at an early time, but it sounds like you never stop having feelings for her. My advice to you is to examine your emotions both for your husband and your prior girlfriend. Are you denying your sexuality? Is your heart and soul unable to fulfill your marriage? Desiring passion, while important, should never be the guiding factor in leaving a marriage or getting into a new relationship. Relationships cannot be sustained by passion alone, but by a combination of factors, such as love, trust, respect, attraction, kindness, a mutual desire for happiness, etc. Examining all of these factors, including passion, will help you to make a well-thought-out decision for the course of your life and relationships.

Erin’s Response:

Dear xxx,

I hear in your letter that you are frustrated due to your need for passion not being met. My heart empathizes with you on that need.  I also hear your hurt around not being acknowledged or recognized for your efforts to dress up for your husband.  It can be saddening when another person doesn’t see your work.  I understand that it could feel stupid writing to some website for someone you don’t know to read your letter, but I thank you for your bravery in sending it anyway. For one, it always helps to write out what you are worried about or working through. Whether you come to answers right away or not, your subconscious immediately starts working out the issue. And second, by sending in your letter and being willing to share it online you are helping many more women who might be going through a similar thing.

As Penny said, it is hard to gage by your letter where your relationship with your husband came from. Have you always felt this way about him? Or is this a rough patch that just doesn’t seem to be getting better as fast as you would like it to? If you have always felt this way, I encourage you to examine that and as Penny said, ask yourself if you are denying your sexuality? If this is a rough patch, I hope you find some comfort in knowing that all couples go through some form of dis-ease with each other. I know when you get to that point in a relationship it can really be hard to know if this is the one you should fight for or if this is the one you should let go. When a couple gets here it is often the woman feeling hurt, discouraged, hopeless, and lonely, and the man feeling angry, frustrated, exhausted and scared. You are probably not the only one who is frustrated by where the relationship is. It is important to be able to take a step back from those feelings and recognize in yourself what those feelings are telling you about your needs. Once you are able to recognize your needs, try and decipher the need your partner is having and see if you can meet and/or at least vocalize both. Have the two of you talked about your need for passion? He might be just as hungry for it as you are but because of where the relationship is at, he has been unable to voice his needs. When he doesn’t notice when you dress up you might want to try saying something like, “I am feeling really fragile right now and am looking for some reassurance that I look pretty.”

Obviously there are still some feelings you need to work out not only around your husband, but also around this woman. I know that when your needs are not being met in one place, the grass always looks greener. The things that were good in your past suddenly start to look really good, and familiar, and safe.

You asked if you should act on this feeling or leave it well alone… I say neither, yet. Never leave the need for passion alone, however as Penny said, passion alone, while important, should never be the guiding factor in leaving a marriage or getting into a new relationship. Examine what it is you truly desire. Again, like Penny asked, are you denying your sexuality? Or, are you denying your need for passion with your husband? Either way, own your needs, express them to your husband, work out your marriage or decide to end it, be true to yourself and your desires, be truthful to those around you, and then go after your passion.

Love and luck,

Erin