Letter from C:
Dear Annabelle,
It seems bizarre to be asking questions seeing as how I’m 25 and shouldn’t care, and should already know my life. I am at a loss though! I have been pretty curious about my sexuality for probably about 10 years. I have never been in a relationship or anything with another woman, but I have been with my share of guys. Every time there’s something missing and even though I think about woman I always have fears. My dad was a Baptist preacher and for those who don’t know that’s not easy or at least it wasn’t for me. And I have 14 brothers and sisters who talk negatively about being gay all the time. I have a 2 year old son that I don’t want affected with my situation. And I am having trouble trying to decide if this is a phase, but I don’t exactly know where to go or how to attract a women. I’m very shy when it comes to my personal life. I tried the internet and I run into webcam girls, which I am definitely not looking for. I want a relationship. My problem is: one, like I said, meeting someone, and two, I am not ready to share with my family until I know and am comfortable with it, but then, is that being ashamed? I’m just really confused and would appreciate any advice you can give me.
Thanks C
Penny’s Advice:
Dear C,
Your situation is not uncommon by any means, but it certainly can be personally overwhelming. It is difficult to own our sexual identity when there are so many external factors impacting it. Let’s take each one of your factors apart.
First, you have been greatly influenced by your upbringing. Being raised in a very conservative, rigid religion that interprets the Bible literally and that condemns homosexuality is a “closet” for sure! It is easy to doubt and self-loathe when your religion condemns who you feel you truly are. It’s important to separate your sexuality from your faith of origin. Feeling rejected by your family is one thing, but to be rejected by God is a totally different thing. There are plenty of Christian churches, as well as other faith communities, who do not hold the view that gay and lesbian people are not loved and accepted by God. The United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Church are just two open and accepting Christian churches. Check out gaychurch.org for a complete listing of accepting faith communities. These communities may help you navigate your family’s religious landscape, and they will definitely give you a different perspective on how to mesh your sexual orientation with your faith.
Next, you are in a minority position with a family of 14, all of whom speak against who you believe yourself to be. This can be very overwhelming, and help to keep you mute and closeted. Contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG.org) and they will have some outstanding information about coping with rejecting or slow-to-accept family dynamics. Do you have one or more siblings that may be more open to your sexual orientation than others? Test the waters, and see if there is one or more who may love you and support you no matter what.
Another factor is your two-year-old son. Coming out and having children from heterosexual relationships can be messy, especially if the other parent is involved and would not be supportive or would possibly “use” sexual orientation against the other in custody arrangements. If the other parent might make your sexual orientation an issue, seek legal counsel through Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund at lambdalegal.org. They might be able to steer you in the right direction. If legal issues are not a problem, your two-year-old son will adjust to your lesbian life. He will be a much happier boy if you are a happier mom. According to the current research, children raised by gay and lesbian parents have not had any more problems than children raised in heterosexual homes. The most important elements for raising healthy children are the mental and emotional health of the parents and the safety of their home and school schedules and environment.
Lastly, in this day and age of computer dating, it’s important to be intentional and careful with whom you meet and what you want. It’s absolutely ok to take your time and really look for the right person. Use a respectable lesbian dating service, and be honest about what you are looking for. Check out girldates.com for further advice.
Coming out is a deeply personal and intimate issue, and personal safety is paramount. However, we often cling to the possibility of worse-case scenarios, which keep us from ever being who we really are in the world. Don’t let your fears keep you from personal happiness, C. Life is too short!
Erin’s Advice:
Dear C.
At the end of your letter you said “I’m just really confused”. Having uncertainty about who you are in this world, especially in an environment that puts demands on who you should be, must be confusing. Well congratulations!! Jump up and down, and shout for joy. In life, what always comes right before you learn something, or have a breakthrough, or grow? You get confused. Celebrate that, you are about to have a breakthrough. Whether your breakthrough is coming out as a lesbian, or discovering that there are people in your life who will love you no matter who you are, or deciding in yourself that you will love and accept yourself no matter who you are, whether its finding out that you are bi or straight or whatever it is going to be, celebrate, because its coming.
Thank you C for your courage in sending this letter, I know how hard it can be to admit and ask for help. I am only a few years older then you, but I still have situations that I couldn’t come through or figure out without asking for a bit of guidance. I just heard an interesting fact: when women talk with each other about their struggles, their brains actually secrete the same hormone that is secreted when a woman breast feeds, which makes you feel really good. Basically, we are designed to talk about our difficulties.
Penny had some great suggestions and resources for you to pull on, I encourage you to look into those and I will offer one more; your heart. Scientists have discovered that there is neurological tissue in the heart, which means that your heart can think and give you answers. Spend a few minutes each day breathing in and out of your heart, (you do this simply by imagining your heart to be your lungs) when you feel connected to your heart ask you heart for answers. They may not come the first time you ask, but the more you check in with the heart the louder the heart will get. Connect with your heart and think about your sexuality. Connect with your heart and think about your family and like Penny asked, is there someone in your family who might be more open to your sexuality? Connect with your heart and think about your son, ask what he will feel about you with regard to your sexuality, my guess is he will love you regardless, and like Penny said, a happy mom = a happy child. Connect with your heart and think about being with a woman. In both acting and Chinese medicine it is said that wherever there is fear is where you must go.
Good luck on your journey. I’m not sure why, but this Irish blessing just came to mind for you: “May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”
Love and gratitude,
Erin
Dear C,
As a gay gal I an appreciate the confusion your feeling. I kept my feelings hidden through my teenage years because I didn’t feel I could deal with them. I’ve realized now that that was because I didn’t feel safe to do so. I wasn’t abused, but my family life was stressful and I couldn’t contemplate adding to it by acknowledging who I was. So it wasn’t until I’d moved out of home with friends who I later discovered were also struggling with their own sexuality (male friends). Once I was on my own, had my own space and the safety net of my friends, who I could talk to, I began to let my feelings for women come back to the surface.
I guess what I’m saying is, you need to find that safe place, for yourself so you can take time getting to know what you want & who you want. It’s an old fashioned ideal that once you become an adult by age you suddenly know who you are. Its not true. We know who & what we’re meant to be, but it takes a long time sometimes to work out if that’s what we really want.
I can understand you’re worried about your family and their reaction should they find out about your feelings, but first I think you need to put yourself first and realize it’s ok to explore this side of yourself, in private. Your family doesn’t need to play a part in this side of yourself until you’re ready. They won’t and shouldn’t be following you into the bedroom, lol, if you know what I mean. Everyone has the right to explore their sexuality in private. Just because your feelings may be aimed at women doesn’t mean you have to come out before your ready to, or involve your family in any way unless that’s what you want.
There are no definite ways to handle this, but the best way is to be kind to yourself. Find a safe person, place, social group, or LGBT organisation to be a part of (in secret if you want to) and see how you feel. This is your time.
Cheers, K.
Ps. Hope my above comment makes sense! I should never have attempted to do this via mobile, lol. K
Hi C,
First of all may I say that I wish you much joy and happiness during your voyage of self discovery.
I think the above responses have given you a lot of valuable information. If you live in or near a major city, get a copy of the Damron Women’s Traveller. In the back, you will find listings by state and city for all the different services available for gay, lesbian, transgendered and bi groups. There are listings for support groups, bookstores and so on for each major city. A support group might be an excellent place to start. It’s how I started. My doctor pointed me to a women’s centre in town and there I found a lesbian support group. I met some people there and got invited to a party. I met people at the party and got invited to play ball hockey (I’m in Canada so hockey is a big deal) and baseball. I met more and more people. It was fun!!!! We’d play a game and then go out to eat afterwards. I got invited to more and more things and met people who became my friends.
If you find a support group, ask about women’s dances that might be coming up. Put on your courage and just go. If that’s too scary a prospect, then wait until you meet a few people at the support group and go with them to a dance. It’s a little less scary than if you go on your own. I found that when I wasn’t really looking to meet someone, I met someone. Strange really, but that is how it happened for me. When
you do go somewhere, just have fun and be yourself. Don’t focus on meeting someone. I know you must be curious about what it’s like to be with another woman. I know I was. Just be yourself and you will meet someone who will enlighten you. I can tell you that it was wonderful for me. It was everything I’d dreamed it might be-and more. I’m sure it will be for you too.
As for telling anyone….wait until you are ready! Don’t pile stress on stress. Forget about the politics about coming out and all of that stuff. Find out who you are first, and wait until you are comfortable with YOURSELF. You get to choose who you tell about the intimate details of your life. That is your right as a human being. Give yourself TIME and breathe. ENJOY!! You are in for a treat!! Savour the anticipation!! Give yourself permission to have fun on this journey!!!
I too come from a religious background. My cousin is a priest in California! My mother is Catholic and my father was Orthodox. Both are male dominated religions. When I used to go to church, I’d take from it what I needed. I let the politics slide. Eventually, I realized that I didn’t need a church to connect with God. As my maternal grandmother once said, “You can talk to God through prayer. You will be heard no matter where you pray from.”
About your son-I agree with the above comments. Children need to feel safe and loved. If you give your son that, the rest will follow. He will accept who you are because he loves you. He is young and will grow up with your lifestyle. So, it shouldn’t be much of an adjustment for him when he gets older.
GOOD LUCK!! And remember….ENJOY!!! Elena
dear Erin,
I love to see you acting!!! i am from south america.. you are so pretty and a really good actress!! i will love to meet you
hola andrea soy de colombia que gusto que en esta pagina haya gente de todo el mundo y que compartas la gran diversidad de material presente en este sitio web
quisiera saber de donde eres y poder compartir muchas historias de interes
abrazos
Dayan Castañeda
hi im only 20 years old but i came out when i was 18 and it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do but yet it was the best thing i have ever done im one of those girls that dont want the web cam gals as well but i went on this website called plentoffish.com it is a website for finding potientual long term relationships youll find that it is the best free dating website ever used i have not found any one yet but i have not run into the experimental typegurls on there and for your family just let them know that being gay or bi is a part of you and if they what to love and be apart of your life then they will have to ecept all that goes with you my family still to this day does not like the fact that im bi but sway more for gurls but they dont put me down any more or anything like that my mom actually aproved of my last gurl friend until she broke my heart then she went to bat for me see even though your family dont like the thought of it they will still love you and be upset about anyone hurting you. i wish you all the luck with your journey.
Erin,
Just incase you wanted to know, completly off point and all, but that irish blessing in irish is “Go n-éirí an bóther leat”
…
It’s sounds lovely in Irish.. More so then it does in english.
Good luck to C by the way. You’ll make the right decision..