From B
I have had zero relationships, but I find myself way more attracted to women. I feel like I can’t really know my sexuality until I’ve had a relationship. I’m having a really hard time with this. There is no one I can really talk to about this because I live in a very small town that frowns upon same sex relationships.
Do you think it’s important that I am certain about my sexuality before I talk to anyone?
~B
Penny’s Advice:
Dear B,
Knowing one’s sexual identity doesn’t just rely on having a “relationship” with someone of the same sex (if you are a lesbian) or the opposite sex (if you are heterosexual). Sexual orientation is the attraction toward a particular sex. As my coming out research has indicated, “It’s the people that fill us with energy and vitality” that is more indicative of our sexual orientation. Yes, it is partly sexual in nature, but as you can see, it’s much more than that! So, feeling or knowing you are a lesbian doesn’t require you to have been in a relationship or have sex with a woman.
Needing someone to discuss your emotional experiences and feelings would certainly be helpful. It helps to have a sounding board. I, too, grew up in a small town, so I understand how isolating it can be. Do you have any good friends or family members who will stand by you no matter what? Never underestimate the power of a supportive friend or of a friend or family member’s ability to walk with you in the coming out process.
There are also many therapists that have training in coming out issues, so hooking up with one of them will give you a solid, professional sounding board. Don’t be afraid to ask over the phone when searching for a therapist whether they have any training in coming out issues.
Finding internet support systems may also be another way to gain insight and confidence. Try www.dailystrength.org or http://lesbianlife.about/com/cs/comingout/l/blcomingout.htm, for more information about support groups online. Remember, coming out is a process and requires us to identify and define ourselves very differently from how we were raised and how our society defines us. Trust your feelings and attractions; they usually lead you in the right direction.
Erin’s Advice:
Dear B,
Whether you are certain or not about anything, it is always beneficial to talk to someone, even if they do not have all the answers. For me, simply vocalizing my thoughts and feelings to someone seems to shed a much brighter light on the feelings. Being in a small town and feeling like you have no one to confide in must be hard. Having someone, like Penny said, to walk with you in your coming out process would definitely make that road much easier. You might be pleasantly surprised at how easily a past prejudice can slip away when the object of your prejudice is someone you love and care about. With that said, if this doesn’t happen, don’t give up. You found my site and there are many more like it. Check out the two sites Penny suggested. If you can go to a therapist, call first. Ask if they have experience with the LGBT Community and coming out. Listen to your gut when they give you an answer. Does it seem they might be someone you could confide in? Do they feel like someone who will not judge you for your feelings?
I will close with something I have said before. One of the beautiful things about being a woman is that we can and do change our minds quite frequently. What you are certain about today might be quite different from what you are certain about tomorrow. That is perfectly natural, normal and fun! As much as you can, find joy in this process. You have a choice! How cool is that?! Be the torch bearer in your little town. You might pave the way for another young girl who might not be as brave and resourceful as you are.
Blessings to you on your journey.
Erin
Hi B.
I hope you don’t mind receiving an extra word of comfort. I know you don’t know me, but I’m a gay gal who can understand the difficulties in discovering who you are.
As Erin and Penny have said, if you can find someone to confide in, you’ll at least begin to feel not so alone with your thoughts. Sometimes we can over analyse and confuse ourselves and this can lead to more heartache. Having someone to talk to can help you see more clearly what’s really going on in your heart & mind. That said, it doesn’t mean you have to say ‘I’m gay’ to someone. There are ways to have subtle conversations with others without pointing the finger at yourself if your still unsure. It’s okay to put your feelers out, before diving in so to speak.
In relation to your discovery, think of using the media to help yourself with this. Allow yourself to watch some lesbian themed films (via the web so it’s in private) and see how you feel. There are some lovely ones that aren’t at all confronting… such as Saving Face, or The incredible adventure of two girls in love. Both of these are told with humour and they do have happy endings!
The main thing, is don’t be hard on yourself and expect yourself to know whether you are or are not. Sometimes it doesn’t work that way, and it can take a little time to know which gender you feel more comfortable to love. But know you can find support on sites like this and others, so you’re never alone.
Cheers for now, and all the best to you, K.
In addition to all the great advice that’s already been given, I have a bit of a personal experience story.. I came out long before I ever had a romantic relationship with another female, I just knew deep down that what I felt was undeniable and the more I tried to deny it, the more uneasy I felt. And I don’t know how much we can really be 100% certain what we are and want for the rest of our lives, as throughout our life we evolve and it tends to change (as Erin so eloquently pointed out). As I’ve heard many times, sexuality can be fluid and change over time, so even though I’ve never had romantic feelings for a man, I try to avoid labeling myself as strictly one thing or another and stay open to the possibility that it could happen someday.. (even though deep down I really hope it doesn’t!
If you don’t feel there is anyone in your area to talk to, for now the internet can provide some of the support you are looking for. Also, before I felt comfortable enough to come out I wrote A LOT (mind you I threw away what I wrote because I was so afraid of someone finding it!) but just getting things out my head and on to a piece of paper was a big relief for me at the time. Since then, I’ve come to realize that most of the worry and fear I felt while in the closet was so blown out of proportion and I was my own worst enemy. I used to pray every night for God to make me “straight”.. I think I judged myself way more harshly than I’ve found anyone else being out.
Hope this helps a little! You are sooo not alone
-Tracy